10 Social Skills Everyone Can Master

Excerpts from socializing expert Allana Baroni’s top 10 tips will help you make the most of any invitation.

Bust a Mood

To have fun, you’ve got to be fun. Sure, sometimes we are just not “in the mood” to be social, but I know you know how to fake it. And here’s the weird part: Scientific research proves that putting a smile on your face will actually conjure the desire to feel like smiling. (And we know that smiling, like yawning, is contagious, so do it.)

Create a Memory

Do you have “blank canvas” jitters when walking into a party? So hide behind a camera. Taking snapshots is one of the quickest icebreakers in a social situation. Also, the mad flashbulb frenzy makes everyone feel like an instant celebrity. And the cool part is distributing your catch later.

Rock Your Specialty

Claim ownership of a “specialty” you love to whip up and keep the ingredients on hand. Whether it’s after the kids’ baseball game or the place for the late-late, after-after party, make your address the crew’s place to be (last-minute guests always welcome).

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Extend the concept, if you like, to a house cocktail that swings all ways as well. The classic Bellini is simple and inexpensive. Or you can jazz it up with Pomegranate and Cranberry. In any case, you should always have something sparkling within reach!

Introduce Yourself

A sudden attack of shyness when you don’t know a soul in the joint is quite possibly the most universal human experience. But walk through the door expecting to have a great time, and you will. Prep yourself for every situation by reminding yourself that something new and surprising and amazing can always happen—like falling madly in like at first sight with a new friend or simpatico business partner or finding that missing clue to some mystery of the world that you’re trying to solve.

Ease into the situation by relying on tried-and-true ice-breaking methods that date back centuries: Walk up to someone, thrust out your hand, smile and say, “Hello, I’m _____ , how are you?” Etiquette was not designed as torture; it’s a ritual that helps you and everyone else survive these awful, awkward, terrifying social encounters.

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Last, always remember you’re not the only mingle-phobe in the room. At your next get-together, make yourself useful by swooping in and giving aid and comfort to the other guests who are having blatantly rocky starts.

Know How to Play

As in, play a social game for fun, leave obligations behind and have a ball! When I was a kid, my parents told me to pick an instrument and pick a sport. It wasn’t about learning how to win or lose or building college application activities, it was about getting me involved in the world, involved with people, building social experiences, building relationships.

A little friendly competition is a wonderful way to cement friendships. So whether it’s Texas Hold ‘Em, mah-jongg, bunco, Scrabble, darts, bocce or golf, find or start a pick-up game and make it a regular thing. If you’ve been itching to play music, start a little skiffle band. You don’t have to rock a stadium to get satisfaction; playing with friends for friends is where it’s at. (Actually, it would be nice if could rock your local old folks’ home.)

Sometimes Be an Ear, Not a Mouth

I know, we love the sound of our own voices, but once in a while, one of our friends will really need us just to listen. Sometimes the conversation might be a lot of give and take, advice and speculation, soul-searching and puzzle-solving, but sometimes you just need to be a giant ear for an hour. My husband says he can tell when I need to get my words out; he just lets me talk and talk and talk, while he inserts the occasional “Wow” and “Oh, I didn’t know that” and “Really?” I’ve had conversations where I barely said two words and then received a thank-you the next day (“We had a great time together!”). Huh?

Share the Wealth

No, not things that cost a ton of dough. I mean, give the things that cost you very little but are of massive value to others. Starting with compliments, all the way up to giving your time to your community. You’ll feel like part of something bigger, something wonderfully social.

Join the (Digital) Mainstream

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Want to keep up with your closest friends and family on Facebook but don’t want to expose yourself to people you didn’t even talk to in high school but now want to friend you as part of a relentless campaign to get armies of friends? Make a Facebook page for your pet dog, your pet canary, your imaginary friend from childhood—so only people who really know you will be able to find you. (And don’t forget to flip on all the appropriate privacy settings—ask a teenager for help, even if you think you don’t need it.)

It’s an easy way to just check in on old friends, and see what’s going on in the world. On that note, Twitter is becoming a great way to check in with the latest news because so many news organizations and companies are issuing insta-messages through Twitter.

Get Acquainted with a Classic

If you learn how to make one cocktail in this lifetime, make it a martini….

Whether dry or dirty, the evolution of the drink has left some forgetting that the classic is made with gin, not vodka. Purists claim that stirring is the correct method, so Mr. Bond’s preference for a shaken concoction, well, what he’s really ordering is a Vesper, a cocktail that he himself named after the double agent who won his heart in Casino Royale.

Once you’ve mastered the classic recipe, customize it with your own signature blend of fabulousness.

2 1/2 ounces gin
1/2 ounce dry vermouth
1 green olive
1 lemon twist
Cocktail pitcher or mixing glass
Cocktail spoon
Cocktail strainer
Chilled martini glass
Ice

Pour ingredients into an ice filled mixing glass. Stir for about 30 seconds with a long mixing spoon. Pour into the chilled martini glass. Garnish with an olive or lemon.

One classic deserves another: Concoct a gin and juice cocktail for guests who might not feel like tackling the more formidable martini. Keep juice (like peach or pear) and a bottle of ginger ale in your pantry. Pour 2 ounces gin over an ice-filled glass, top with juice and a splash of ginger ale, then garnish with fruit or herbs you might have on hand (skip it if you don’t, because it’s not worth running out for).

Remember to Say Thank You

Strap in, I’m going to write something extremely controversial here: Yes, you can thank someone with an email or a phone call. We all know traditional thank-you etiquette calls for a handwritten, snail-mail note, but I’ve seen it happen all too often: You keep meaning to find a nice thank-you card or choose some pretty stationery. But something comes up: a crisis, some project at work, football season. And time passes, as it does. Before long, it’s too late. And then a chance encounter with the would-be, should-have-been recipient of the phantom note sends you slinking into the shadows, quivering in breathless social shame.

Yes, write thank-you notes! It’s a little social confection everyone loves to receive. But if more than a few days go by and you haven’t mailed it, then for goodness’ sake, send an email or make a heartfelt call. It’s a million and 12 times better than doing nothing at all. The rule of thumb is if you thank someone digitally, the email should include more personal thoughts to help make up for the absence of the personal touch your handwriting evokes.

 

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